“If voting made a difference, they’d make it illegal.” – Mark Twain
Washington, D.C. (Main Street) – Like the Olympics, every few years I’m inundated with government propaganda telling me to go to a church somewhere to pick up a pencil and fill out some ridiculous sheet to decide who I want to watch not listen to me for the next couple years.
“Get out and vote!” they scream at you, telling you this is the one time in which you must make your voice heard. What I can’t help but wonder is – why?
See Also: 6 Cool Things Voters Can Get for Free
If media reports are true, than Edward Snowden leaked proof that our government is archiving our every thought via our digital presence. If they already know what I’m thinking, what good is my vote?
This is clearly a flaw in the system, because my government should already be doing what I want them to, by virtue of the amount of data they have saved on me. Don’t even get me started on the statistical odds of your vote actually making a difference. Slate nailed it with this formula – you’re better off playing the lottery. There have to be better ways to change the world.
1. Create a Fake Facebook Account
Opting out of Facebook is a bad idea; they’ll simply find you through pictures on your friends’ timelines. If you never had a Facebook account, you should know a few years ago Facebook’s facial recognition software noticed nobody labeled you in pictures and started asking your friends who you are. I never snitched on nobody…but you’re in a LOT of pictures.
Much like how the Google captchas tricked us into helping their cars identify house numbers they drove by, these corporations are learning who we are, and, at a time when privacy concerns of both celebrities and private citizens are reaching astronomical highs, you can change the world more than voting simply by creating a fake Facebook page.
Use your pictures and fake everything else. Hell – create as many Facebook pages as you can using every email address you ever used logged in from as many different IP’s as you can proxy. Flood the system with your information, and create dozens of people that look just like you. You may not have mutant powers, but you can certainly trick the machine into thinking so.
See Also: Is Facebook Stealing Your Face?
2. Check Twitter Every Day and Tweet Every Hashtag
Now that Twitter is a public IPO (which is much different than the story your marijuana dealer is telling you), the media clearly has an interest in twat is tweeted by tweeps and twits. From revolutions in government to feeding Ryan Seacrest’s inevitable replacement every weekday @midnight, what you tweet can twuly make a differenthe.
Instead of buying a bumper sticker every four-to-eight years to prove you made your voice heard, make it heard every single day. Contribute to the polls that actually matter, which are the instantaneous ones all over the Internet, granting temporary fame to even the most obscure rendition of “Chocolate Rain.”
Twitter sparked overthrows of government in Egypt, Syria, and around the world. When was the last time something you voted for came true?
See Also: Move to One of America’s Funniest Cities
3. Lie on Your LinkedIn Profile
You absolutely should lie on your LinkedIn profile, and it’s made even easier when you have the multiple email and Facebook accounts listed above. I have dozens of accounts everywhere I go, each woven into different related or unrelated circles. You never know when you may need an extra because some asshole reported you (don’t even get me started at how far Wikipedia goes in blocking IP’s).
If people are doing background checks, having a solid LinkedIn profile helps, and people who can corroborate the story makes things easier. Create accounts and fan the right industry insiders. Then start adding low-level schmucks anywhere you’re allowed to. Soon enough, you’ll have created directors of companies who can back up any claim you make for having done anything for any small business you choose anywhere in the world.
Unlocking Job Search God Mode is helpful, but you need to wield this great power with great responsibility. Now go get a job!
There was a point where Bush, Clinton, even Obama, could have just sat down and literally done nothing, and it would have been more beneficial to our country’s well-being than the actions they took instead. This is true of anyone you remember. Had Robin Williams chosen at that last moment to do nothing instead, he’d still be around, making us all smile.
Had Hitler done nothing, the Jews wouldn’t have remembered that penniless artist. There are times when indifference and/or doing nothing is much more effective than doing something. Everything is tracked. It always has been, but now we’re grappling with an understanding of it. This means you’re making as much of a statement by not voting as you would if you did vote. Not voting is a much more effective way to exercise your rights. I didn’t vote in 2012, because I was busy working on What I Told the FHFA. What’s your excuse for not voting?
5. Take a Nap
Now that we established taking time for yourself is more beneficial to the overall of society than casting your vote in any election, it’s time to recharge your body. Sleeping benefits you in a variety of ways.
Need help sleeping? Try The Most Boring Day in History
Either way, you’re taking yourself out of the moment. If you try to meditate and fall asleep instead, it’s because your body needed the rest. When you wake up from your nap, you’ll have done so much more to change the world around you than voting ever would’ve accomplished. Now you’re ready to face the world with a smile J
See Also: Should Offices Allow Nap Time?
6. Buy a Ribbon
If you want to make your voice heard, veterans, breast cancer patients, and others could use your support in helping raise awareness by purchasing more ribbons. Of course, then you need to pay the people marketing the ribbons, and the street teams, which are of course going to need management.
You want those street teams to have great management to ensure this great charity is able to still raise awareness for whatever it is because in order to attract the best talent to compete in this kind of flooded charity market, you need to pay top-tier prices, or at least something in a decent range, you know, because a CEO, and a CFO, and at least a dozen territory managers – that stuff doesn’t come cheap.
So If you want to continue ensuring there is awareness that cancer and war still exists, in case anyone forgot, go ahead and buy yourself a ribbon. It’s a much better investment than that “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Roseanne” bumper sticker.
7. Find an Alternative to Wal-Mart
If you truly wanted to make a statement, you’d stop shopping at Wal-Mart. Not only that, you’d protest them every single day until they closed shop and left your town. Every purchase you make at Wal-Mart is going against everything you say you believe in and pretend you believe in when you check boxes to decide the face of issues you don’t care about for the next term.
Instead of wasting even one single thought about where you cast your vote, take a long, hard look at the realities of where you cast your dollar. Too many people shop at Wal=Mart, and it doesn’t matter how many disabled or elderly they keep hovering inches above the street.
8. Stop Eating at McDonald’s
While we’re at it, let’s all take a moment to remember when McDonald’s tasted like In and Out. Now that it doesn’t, this place should be closed. There’s no reason all that real estate these corporations own has to be used giving us glitchy and half-assed versions of products.
Do you remember when Taco Bell had that 59, 79, 99 jungle in the 90s? A taco at Taco Bell now is over a dollar. That tiny taco costs more than over half of McDonald’s Poverty Menu.
Think about the complaints about their working conditions. Think about how much insect and mold you’re actually eating. Think about how much sugar, fat, and artificial dog-food-grade food-like product you’re consuming in fast food.
If you want to make a difference, you can never eat at McDonalds. Ever again. Not even once. Not even for free. Not even if you’re starving and there’s nothing else around. That will make much more of a difference and a statement in our world than some silly vote.
9. Engage with a Homeless Person
You’re aware there was a housing bubble, and you know the banks cheated people, but you still are so busy begging some unknowable deity for help that you haven’t even bothered to give anything to the homeless. Imagine you gave a dollar to every single homeless person you saw. If you did this every day instead of smoking, drinking coffee, or whatever vice you have, you could change their lives and the world.
What do you care what they spend it on? What do you care how much they make? I’m homeless and live in a van, and while I don’t make more than you yet, I’m working on it. If you give me a dollar, it’s never your business where that dollar goes. I have you moral obligation toward you. I’d probably even track you home and piss on your car. Of course, I don’t panhandle often. I’ve just known plenty who do.
10. Quit Your Job
If you work for a company like Bank of America, you should seriously quit. We all know you’re doing something wrong, and you know it too. You’re convinced that things are complicated and the media doesn’t understand, but we do understand. We’re just trying to prove it. If you quit your job and simply refused to do it any longer, you’d make an impact, especially if you organized groups to do it.
Remember the first follower is the most powerful person in a movement. Check out the video:
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So if you quit your job and tell them Brian Penny told you to do it, you’ll become the first follower of my movement, and it’ll make much more of a difference than any vote ever did. I just know you’re too scared to ever do it, because your cubicle is important to your sense of comfort.
11. Murder Someone
You don’t need to become a jihadist or serial killer to murder someone. You can join the army, law enforcement, or a rapper’s entourage to get some confirmed killings under your belt. Think of how many people death has stopped throughout history? Imagine how different the world would have been had some of them never died, or if they died before they could accomplish their goals.
Will writing this inspire one of you deranged lunatics to kill me? Maybe. But if I let fear run my life, I never would’ve survived this long.
12. Have Sex
Passing your genetics down to create another generation of your bloodline will change your future more than every vote you cast in your entire life. The only way you’re going to find a relationship and love that’s solid enough to build a family on, you’ll need to be either sexually confident or in a religion where women have no choice.
You can exercise your freedoms, improve your health, and make the changes Michael Jackson practically pleaded with you to make with the man in the mirror if you would just get out and have more sex.
13 Ask Your Kid to Explain the World to You
Instead of telling anyone what your views are by casting a vote, why not ask your kid what their views are? It may be rough at first, but establishing or re-establishing an interpersonal connection can go much further than some silly vote ever will.
14. Go to College
Attending higher education gives you direct access to borrow money from the government. You can take thousands of government dollars every year and show those fat cats in Washington how to truly spend money. You’re not even paying interest on the subsidized loans, so long as you stay in school.
Even if you do pay interest, it’ll either go to support the government or the banks. These funds will be used to build schools, repair roads, and fund so many important government functions and will benefit society much more than voting.
In college, you’ll also be swayed to go one step further by voting for a nonsense candidate like Ron or Rand Paul, or Bart Simpson.
What do you do that’s more useful than voting?
Brian Penny is a former Business Analyst at Bank of America turned whistleblower, freelance consultant, and troll. He’s a frequent contributor to The Street, Huffington Post, Cannabis Now, and Fast Company.