Weed in Relationships and Illogical Movie Scenes

Dear Brian,
I found out that my girlfriend smokes weed. How do I tell her to stop?

Hahaha, tell her to stop…you’re hilarious.

You could try saying, “Bitch! Stop smoking weed!”

Then when she dumps you, give me her number.

Relationships don’t work when someone thinks they can tell their partner what to do. Try asking her if she’ll stop. I doubt she will, but maybe she loves you enough. Odds are better she’ll just tell you she stopped and do it behind your back.

Explain to her you don’t feel comfortable with her drug use. If it’s a dealbreaker for either of you, end the relationship. I never understood why people stay together when they clearly don’t like each other.

Open, honest, and transparent communication is the key to making a relationship last. Have empathy for why she may be smoking weed, or move one like an adult.

Dear Brian,
What are some common illogical scenes that occur in films?

Hollywood has some great logical fallacies it loves using. While these tropes make for great stories, action sequences, etc., they rarely make any sense.

1) High School Students – Any adult who’s ever been to a high school sees how teenagers tend to look like kids. Because they still are, except in the movies of course. Twentysomethings are constantly used in movies and television to portray high school-aged kids. The only time actual teenagers are used is when they’re meant to look like tiny nerds in comparison to the bigger, more mature adults.

2) Sex Scenes – Sex is terribly portrayed in movies. You’ll never see anyone discuss using a condom, and when they’re done, the woman is always shy about being naked around the guy she just had sex with. She hides under the sheets (where the wet spot would be) when they’re laying down and is careful to cover up before getting up. In real life, women aren’t this bashful after sex.

3) Fight Scenes – Fight scenes are always entertaining to watch, but they’re rarely realistic portrayals of what fighting is like in real life. When it’s one person against a group of people, the group nearly always attacks one at a time, giving the protagonist time to show off and do some amazing fighting moves that watching any MMA fight will show you wouldn’t work in a real fight. On top of this, the main character always has a boss fight at the end where he/she finds a person who’s almost superhuman in his/her ability to absorb and deal damage in a fight.

4) Car Chases – No matter what vehicle you have in a movie, you can keep up with every other vehicle while also deftly outmaneuvering the police. It doesn’t even matter how trained of a driver you are – you can keep up with a Ferrari in a minivan.

5) The Government – Have you ever actually dealt with the government? They’re not nearly as efficient as they’re portrayed in the movies. In reality, most of the intelligence gathered and analyzed by the government is handled by third-party vendors who aren’t bogged down with the layers upon layers of paperwork required to get anything done. Also, how does every police department have the funding to afford the most advanced technology on the planet? Real police take months just to get a blood sample analyzed.

6) Alien Invasions and Catastrophes – I have to admit Hollywood is getting better about portraying global events happening to different parts of the world, but they’re still mostly focused on Americans. If an alien race wants to visit Earth, they always pick the U.S., and it’s up to the White House to handle any catastrophe. No other country is capable of saving the world but Americans according to Hollywood.

7) The Apocalypse – Even though zombies have taken over the entire world and the human race has been hunted almost to extinction, people still have time to mow their lawns. I guess homeowners associations don’t even take a break after the apocalypse. The bad people who manage to survive any type of cataclysmic event are also the ones who have access to unlimited bullets. They don’t care about conserving ammunition, and they never bother to even collect the casings. Women are always shaven and relatively well-groomed compared to men in these scenarios as well.

8) The Economy – No matter where a movie is set, some starving artist is living in a bigger house than you are. Often they live alone and don’t need a roommate to help pay bills. Even in the movie Rent, where they’re all struggling, they have huge homes in the middle of the ghetto and can afford to eat out, buy whatever they need, etc.

9) Hacking – Hacking is one of my favorite activities portrayed in movies. There’s always an expert hacker who can just plug a computer or device into the always-ready port and override any encryption within seconds. Often they’re being shot at or otherwise under duress while doing so. Luckily they usually have graphical hacking interfaces that make it easy to accomplish in seconds what it would take an actual hacker or computer programmer days, or even months to accomplish.

10) Food and Drink – Nobody ever finishes their meal in a movie. Something always happens to make them get up and leave, often without even bothering to clean up after themselves. It’s especially laughable when kids do it – have your parents ever let you get away with just yelling at them and leaving your plate on the table without making you come back to finish it? Also, pay attention to anyone at a bar – they always order a beer instead of a specific brand of beer. A bartender wouldn’t even know where to begin serving you a beer and would ask what type you wanted.

11) Firearms – Few people in movies actually use a weapon correctly, especially pistols. They don’t aim and still manage to hit their targets, unless, of course, they’re villains, in which case they can’t hit you with a sniper scope at point blank range.

12) Explosions – Explosions in Hollywood are very controlled – they rarely destroy anything other than the intended target. They also involve much more fire than an actual explosion, especially grenades. There are incendiary grenades, but they don’t look like the generic grenade you see in the movies. Those grenades don’t actually generate any fire. Explosions and fires in space are ever funnier, since there’s no oxygen to fuel them.

13) Money – $10,000, $100,000, or even $1,000,000 wouldn’t fill a briefcase. It’s a single stack with a band around it. Most large cash drops made in movies seem to be made in large volumes of small bills.

14) Conversations – People in movies are always able to concisely deliver a point. You rarely hear “Um,” “Uh,” or “Like,” like you would when talking to your friends. They never repeat themselves and are always understood by everyone. In cars and airplanes, the cabin is whisper quiet to allow this, and even during storms, wars, and other loud situations, everyone hears each other perfectly

15) Clothing – In superhero movies, whatever powers a superbeing has also apply to their clothes. In movies with regular people, nobody ever stains their clothes, spills anything on them, or even gets sweat stains, no matter how much energy they’re exerting to perform death-defying stunts. Everything is always clean and wrinkle-free.

cropped-brian-penny-anonymous-gonzo1.jpgBrian Penny is a former Business Analyst and Operations Manager at Bank of America turned whistleblower, troll, and freelance writer. His work appears in High Times, Huffington Post, Fast Company, Hardcore Droid, and The Street.

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Brian Penny is a former Business Analyst and Operations Manager at Bank of America turned whistleblower, troll, and freelance writer.

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