May the Fourth Get Over It

Different holidays have different origins and intentions. From religious beliefs to successful crop seasons to a country’s military might, there are plenty of reasons to gather with family and friends to celebrate with food, gifts, and libations.

History of Star Wars Day

In recent years, Star Wars nerds have been pushing another new holiday on us. May 4th has been declared Star Wars Day by fans, based on the ridiculous pun, “May the fourth be with you.”

Adding to this ridiculousness, these nerds also push for a holiday on May 5th (already racially celebrated in the U.S. as the nonexistent Mexican holiday, Cinco de Mayo), called, “Revenge of the Fifth,” where these Star Wars nerds embrace the dark Sith.

Referenced sporadically in pop culture, the phenomenon snowballed into an actual holiday celebration around 2011. These days, Star Wars Day is exploited for commercialism, just like any other holiday.

A Sad State of Affairs

jar-jar-binks Versability may the fourth
Misa notta bigga losa as yousa…

These misguided losers holding up a commercial Hollywood film franchise as a messiah is bad enough, but the funny part is these same people are the one complaining about the commercialism of holidays like Christmas or Valentine’s Day.

How in the world can you justify worshipping a film franchise? Even the makers of the film think you’re insane, and nobody wants to watch some 30-year-old space fairy tale just because you’re dancing around like an idiot.

Grown men are ditching work and spending money on giant glow sticks and silly costumes. These nerds are beginning to sound worse than the fantasy football losers we have to deal with every autumn.

Holidays We’d Rather See

Arizona barely started recognizing Martin Luther King Jr. Day simply because the state wanted to host the NFL Superbowl.  This is hardly the only example of legitimate holidays we should be observing, but nobody’s signing these important petitions, instead happy to give their money to Disney.

Women are still fighting for equal rights all over the globe.

Minorities (whether racial or religious) are still fighting and, occasionally, overcoming persecution worldwide.

Children are being forced into labor with much worse working conditions than you’ll ever be able to handle.

LGBT’s are still fighting for survival against harsh hatred and violence.

All of these groups deserve memorial holidays, but you’re too busy celebrating a movie that’s, at best, decent.

If you’re celebrating Star Wars Day today, know that you are a loser of such epic proportions we can never be friends. You’re the reason terrorists hate us, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Brian Penny whistleblower Versability GonzoBrian Penny is a former business analyst at Bank of America turned whistleblower, consultant, troll doctor, and writer. He’s featured on The Huffington Post,MainstreetLifehackMoney Side of Life, Gaiam, HardcoreDroid, and more.


Dr. Brian Penny is a former Business Analyst and Operations Manager at Bank of America turned whistleblower, troll, and freelance writer. You can find his work in Cracked, High Times, HuffPost, Lifewire, Forbes, Fast Company, and dozens of other places, although much of it is no longer under his name. Dr. Penny loves annoying fake media.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: