A giant head floats through space toward Earth, landing in a mountain, creating a crater on a golf course and triggering climate change and natural disaster we weren’t expecting for at least another 8 years.
As the world’s media records the giant head, it speaks the words, “Show me what you got,” triggering tidal waves and Rick to jump into action to save the world from destruction. In order to do that, they have to go to the Pentagon…well…not The Pentagon, but rather the lame one here on Earth.
The Smiths are outside pondering whether or not the weather is actually God when Rick and Morty leave in the spaceship. Morty’s math teacher Mr. Goldenfold shows up to invite them to church to pray.
At the Pentagon, the U.S. government debates whether to show the head math or war. A portal opens, and Rick and Morty enter. Rick immediately warns everyone his watch turns everyone into snakes, proving it by turning two soldiers into snakes.
The President stops the snakemakery and Rick and Morty introduce themselves. Rick explains the head is a Cromulan from the Signus 5 expanse that can’t be defeated or appeased by nukes or math. It has to be a song, not Vivaldi like the nerdy scientist wants, but pop music. The Cromulans love talented musicians.
Potus orders Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The Dream, who nobody recognizes, despite his having written dozens of hit songs. Rick explains they’ll need use a giant speaker system at their sonic test facility in Area 51.
Quotable Quote: Potus “For God’s sake, Nathan. The man turns people into snakes – he can use Google Maps.”
Soon we learn everyone the President named is dead, not because he named them but because there was an earthquake and all the famous musicians are dead, except Ice T. He’s inbound within two hours, but that’s not enough time, so Rick and Morty are recruited to play music.
At church, the pastor does his best to give a spirited speech to calm the crowd, which includes a stereotypical Jew. Principal Vagina decides to say fuck all existing religion and pledge his allegiance to the giant head that’s controlling the fucking weather like a rational human being.
After tossing his cross and leaving, the pastor tries to continue mass. Rick and Morty rappel out of an Apache helicopter at the instruction of Jamey, while Principal Vagina prays to his new God to forgive humanity for its sins, which include the Amber alerts he ignores on his phone.
Morty wants to cut their losses and get out, but Rick demands a beat. Soon, both are jamming out to our world’s best effort at a hit song, a Rick Sanchez original, “Get Shwifty.” Like pretty much every other song on the radio, it’s a half-assed attempt at music describing how to dance by shitting on the floor.
The head is appeased by Rick’s song, and the weather subsides. Outside the church, Principal Vagina is still praying to the head as the crowd leaves the church. Since nobody knows what our government is up to, due to their operational security, it appears to the crowd that Vagina appeased the head.
When Beth second-guesses Vagina’s contribution, another earthquake hits, as the Earth is transported to another dimension. Vagina declares the head left and sent his children, and Beth regrets questioning the head. Summer immediately drops to her knees and begs the giant head for forgiveness, and Beth shakily drops and follows the rest of the crowd behind Summer’s lead.
As the first follower of this impending cult, Summer sets the standard for how everyone else follow’s Vagina’s lead.
Meanwhile, the Pentagon decrypts a signal to learn Earth is in an intergalactic singing competition similar to all the garbage on TV over the past two decades. If they lose or are disqualified from Planet Music, they’re disintegrated by plasma ray.
Quotable Quote: Rick “Uhh, it’s probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.”
First up is the Creepy Bobes, Planet Farblesnops, a planet of Kermit-looking frogs whose lead singer pleads for peace and freedom instead of performing, which disqualifies them. There’s one every season, so their planet is disintegrated.
The Arbulean Meterocosians show Planet Music what they got, as Rick, Morty, and Ice T are in the studio trying to come up with a song. Morty is stressed, but Rick is calm and explains to Morty that he can’t use the portal gun to find the family because it only has a limited charge. Then he tells Morty to lick his balls by pressing a preprogrammed key on his keyboard that says “balls” in different notes.
Potus and his general continue arguing about whether it’s better to nuke or get schwifty, as the neighborhood begins to descend into a worse and worse cult. Vagina is now acting as though he can hear the will of the gods through his earpiece, and Beth is concerned and wants to leave immediately.
Jerry likes that everyone’s coping with fear with homemade ice cream. Summer shows up and provides head hats and offers to honor her parents with dinner. A boy shows up and invites her to the ascension, and Jerry agrees to allow the family to go. Beth is drawn in by how happy Summer is.
The ascension is where unwantables are sent into the sky to be eaten by the gods and sent back to us as better babies. Summer is excited, but Jerry and Beth are increasingly worried.
In the studio, Ice T and Rick are hanging out and having fun, but Morty isn’t happy, especially after seeing Rick use the portal gun for snacks. Morty steals the portal gun and teleports out of the studio into another world. He continues moving between worlds and is soon lost.
Back in the neighborhood, Summer is praising the head and farming potatoes. Beth is impressed by how well she’s doing, and Jerry is happy with the cult. As another unwantable floats to his doom begging for help, they decide to ignore what’s not their business.
Inside at dinner, Summer makes tacos and calls Jerry silly before breaking down, falling to her knees, praising the head, and running to her room upstairs in tears. Birdperson finds Morty as Rick learns Ice T doesn’t care about the destruction of Earth.
Ice T turns into actual ice and explains his origin story in Alphabetreum. He’s on a lifelong journey with no destination and Earth is just another stop. Ice T soon launches out the studio, and Nathan (the general) pulls a gun on Potus, hitting him in the face with it to knock him out.
Birdperson is repairing the portal gun and explaining Morty’s dick move to him. Morty argues and asked about the carpet debris Birdperson fed him. Birdperson doesn’t know what humans eat, except his girlfriend Tammy, who isn’t shy about discussing her love for bird…meat…
Quotable Quote: Morty “All of Rick’s moves are dick moves.”
Birdperson always sticks up for Rick and admits his lack of empathy or sympathy is the reason he can destroy or save entire worlds, the reason they met, and the reason he’s alive at all. Birdperson asks Morty if he provided refuge whether he’d spend his life staring at the stars and wondering what might have been.
Earth is announced as up next, and Morty realizes time is short. Back in the church, Vagina tells Beth and Jerry he’s going global with Headism and wants to promote them both. They decline and explain how much they love each other.
Beth and Jerry finally have a poignant and romantic moment together, but it’s immediately cut short. Soon we see Summer tying balloons to her parents, who are tied up and begging her to stop. Summer is smiling and explains they’ll be ok and will come back as babies, to which Jerry responds, “I’m a baby now!”
Quotable Quote: President “Can the Pope’s dick fit in a donut?”
Returning to the studio, Morty finds it empty except a tied up President, who explains nukes are about to be launched at the alien heads.
Facing the aliens on stage alone, Rick does his best, but he angers the heads. As Potus and Morty race to Area 51, Vagina cuts the rope tethering Beth and Jerry to the ground. The heads start booing Rick, and Summer thinks it’s because her parents are about to be sacrificed, so, at the last minute, she jumps in and grabs her parents.
Vagina and Goldenfold, who clearly have a thing for Summer, immediately spring into action to save Summer. The heads continue booing until Morty and Potus show up and crash a helicopter. As the heads cheer, Goldenfold announces they love when they don’t kill people, which angers Vagina.
The general decides to launch the nuclear missiles anyway, which makes a head boo and disqualify Earth. At the same time, Goldenfold announces the head disqualified Vagina and the cult turns on their leader.
The Cromulan heads shoot their plasma beam at Earth, but it’s blocked by Ice T, who cares now, thanks to Rick. He wants to hear what Rick and Morty have to play, which makes the heads start to cheer as they sing.
Earth is declared the final winner and the reality show is brought to a conclusion, which makes everyone at the Pentagon and Area 51 celebrate. Meanwhile, back in the neighborhood, everyone realizes they may have been a little overzealous with the religious cult thing as Vagina floats away in balloons screaming for help.
The President congratulates Morty, who asks for a selfie, but his phone is taken and destroyed by secret service. He explains they’ll deny it or worse if Morty tells anyone. The general tries to attack at the last minute but is disintegrated. When Potus asks Rick why this one didn’t turn into a snake like the ones earlier, Rick reveals the snake holster on his leg.
Ice T returns to his home planet, becomes Water T, and basically follows a Thor storyline.
Brian Penny is a former Business Analyst and Operations Manager at Bank of America turned whistleblower, troll, and freelance writer. His work has appeared on Huffington Post, BBC, Fast Company, High Times, and Hardcore Droid.