At an intergalactic alien hospital Jerry is severely sick and vomiting on a gurney as Beth, Rick, Morty, Summer, and a team of alien doctors escorts him to the operating room.
Rick warns everyone to avoid the vomit, as it’ll stain if it gets on your clothes or send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Beth is mad that Rick stored mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia.
Rick responds, “I know this isn’t the time, but technically the second freezer drawer is mine.”
As they argue, the nurse introduces Dr. Glipglop, the best in the galaxy. Jerry subsequently vomits on him, sending Dr. Glipglop into a murderous rage. Rick disintegrates him and compares the best doctor in the world to the best pizza in the world (I’ve never seen a pizza contest, though the Cannabis Cup is a cool cannabis contest).
Beth sends the family to the waiting room, where Rick destroys the cable box to start off Rick and Morty’s first sequel, which Rick says they pretty much nailed the first time.
First up: Man vs Car, hosted by Michael McLick and Randy Dicknose. The show features a man (tonight’s episode features Michael Jenkins) fighting a real car and being ran over and chewed up by the tires. The best part about these improvised shows is the voice-over actors don’t even bother pretending they’re not just making shit up on the spot.
Next is a soap opera from a creepy eyehole universe. A couple is making out until Eyehole Man rappels from a helicopter to kick their asses and we learn it’s a commercial for Eyeholes cereal. As Rick explains alien cereal to the kids, Beth sits with them to remind everyone we’re worried about Jerry.
Rick says she’s 39 years too late, or however old he is.
In the OR, Jerry wakes up and asks where he is. He’s informed he’s in an alien hospital, though to the alien doctor it’s just a regular hospital. Then he explains Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy’s most influential civil rights leader is fighting for his life in their emergency room.
He can be saved if they replace Shrimply’s heart with Jerry’s human penis. The configuration of veins, ratio of thickness to elasticity of his balls can be molded into a perfect heart for the most important man in the universe with relatively few adjustments.
When Jerry balks, other aliens start judging him for knowing nothing of the genocides of Klorigan or the tragic events of 65.3432.2314, and even if he did, he wouldn’t comprehend them. An elder alien explains he’s dwelt among the humans and their entire culture is built around their penises (I believe the plural is actually peni).
It’s funny to say they’re small. It’s funny to say they’re big. We hold bottles, pencils, etc. in front of ourselves and yell out, “Hey look at me. I’m mister so-and-so dick. I have such-and-such for a penis.” It never fails to get a laugh.
Quotable Quote: Jerry “That’s right, assholes. Take my penis – take it all!”
Jerry agrees to donate his penis to save Shrimply’s life.
Back in the waiting room, Morty is disturbed, and Rick assumes it’s because he’s worried about Jerry. Morty blows that off and points out the woman by the coffee machine who looks like Worf from Star Trek who has all that shit all over his face, but he’s just a human in a costume.
Rick diverts his attention to the interdimensional TV to watch “How Did I Get Here?”, the only show that makes you ask yourself, “How did I get here?”
The lady with the shit on her face is on a lamp post, and both the lady and the Smith family wonder how she got there. Rick advises to stay away from the coffee machine.
Up next is a movie trailer for Jan Quadrant Vincents 16.
In a world where there’s 8 Jan Michael Vincents and 16 quadrants, things probably happen because he can’t be in two quadrants at once. Rick, who knows random trivia about the voice of Garfield (though not Gazorpazorpfield) can’t remember who Jan Michael Vincent is when Morty asks.
Thankfully it’s not important to know who he was in order to get this. Morty still gets Jan Quadrant Vincent fever.
In stirrups, Jerry is walked through the procedure to remove his penis. As soon as it’s mentioned he’ll have a partial length of severed urethra, Jerry gets nervous and mentions he forgot to ask his wife’s permission first. He’s then confident he can force Beth to say no so he can save face.
On TV is The Adventures of Stealy, who’s going through an office to steal things. He runs through a cubicle, then into the manager’s office, stealing common office objects. When the manager threatens to call security, Stealy knocks him out with chloroform before stealing the manager too.
Back in his quiet safe room, Stealy looks through what he stole. We’ve got a bag of bobbish, which is 8 rabbles, a plumbus, which is 6 and a half rabbles, and crushed red party cups for 15 and a half rabbles.
Next is Funny Songs, where a comedian is improvising funny songs based on suggestions from the audience. A tax attorney song follows based on the suggestion of a tax attorney in the audience and is terrible. After the song, the comedian orders security to take the man out of the audience and kill him.
Then dogs sick him and demons suck the life out of him. This comedian doesn’t give a shit.
The doctor comes out to the waiting room to tell the family Jerry is recovered, but asks to speak with Beth on the side. Jerry explains the situation and asks Beth to sign off on it. The doctor hands Beth a catalog of prosthetics, and she yells at him about how she brought her husband in, he’s been gone for an hour, and now they want his penis.
As the doctor explains the importance of Shrimply Pibbles, Beth sees something she likes in the brochure. Suddenly she’s listening and wants to save billions of lifeforms, which she finds out is more like hundreds of billions. Beth now understands the gravity of the situation, and Jerry tries explaining no one can argue with a wife’s decision to keep her lover intact.
Beth doesn’t think it’s fair at all. In fact the whole paradigm has sexist undertones. When Jerry tries to pull Beth aside, she lays out the bottom line, which is he wants to keep his penis, he has to grow the balls to say no himself instead of putting her in that position.
On TV is a Lil Bits commercial in a universe where people have huge heads but tiny and small mouths. Lil Bits is a restaurant where the food looks the same, but it’s tiny so you can eat it and nothing gets stuck on your lips.
They have tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie, little tiny fried eggs, and even tiny people.
With time to kill before the procedure, the doctor brings Jerry into his office to give him an opportunity to use his penis before he loses it. He puts some porn on his alien computer and points to the alien towel, which he actually got on another planet, so it is an alien towel to him.
Jerry starts browsing the computer and comes across extensive medical records on the doctor’s desktop. He searches Mr. Pibbles’s medical records for a way out of losing his penis.
On TV, Rick, Morty, and Summer are watching Opposite News with Michael Thompson. Today the pope didn’t get killed. He’s perfectly fine and on vacation in Aruba. Morty questions why he’s leaning off to the side of the screen, and Rick decides to change the channel.
Now we’re watching Cooking Things with Pichael Thompson. Morty notices this guy is leaning to the left. Soon we find out they’re Siamese twins who are arguing. Morty suggests they flip back to the news. Summer doesn’t want to be that girl, but ponders why they don’t just film their shows at different times, and Rick explains the cost-savings in production.
At a press conference, Beth is still checking out the penis catalog, asking for Jerry’s opinion on the XB20 vs the XB20XS. Jerry is announced as the brave Earth man whose sacrifice is allowing Shrimply Pibbles to live. Jerry announces he’s just barely learning about Shrimply’s accomplishments, from his march on Flirtblurt Square to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.
When the crowd cheers, Jerry tries pushing the heroin addiction point. An alien journalist asks if he realizes heroin makes up 10-% of the atmosphere on Shrimply’s home planet. Another explains his planet was destroyed by Klargon death squads and he can’t live outside of it without breathing in heroin.
The crowd (some of which were at the arcade watching Rick and Morty play Roy) realizes Jerry is trying to get out of giving away his penis and begin to turn.
In the waiting room, the TV is on “How They Do It…” which is featuring an episode on plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. They’re made by taking the dinglebop and smooth it out with a bunch of shleem, which is repurposed for later batches.
The dinglebop is pushed through the grumbo where the fleeb is rubbed against it. Then a shlami shows up to rub and spit on it. The fleeb is cut. There’s several hizards in the way. The blamps rub against the chumbles, and the plubis and grumbo is chipped away to leave a regular ol plumbus.
Next is “Personal Space,” where host Philip Jacobs cares about his personal space up in this place. He goes through a slideshow about his personal space. He takes personal space seriously up to the point he doesn’t even want his skin in his personal space.
Rick changes the channel to an alien Olympic games. The aliens look like Jabba the Hut’s guards and everything spoken is gibberish. An athlete runs at a wall and splatters. The splatter is measured, and judges hold up scores.
Jerry is trying to calm the crowd, and the doctor explains word of Jerry Smith trying to worm out of his penis donation has spread. People donated enough to buy an artificial heart. Jerry tells them they suck, and Beth tries to make Jerry come home. When he protests because everyone hates him, Beth says there’s no surgical procedure to fix that. Jerry has an idea.
In the OR, the doctor is operating on Shrimply. He asks for his scalpel and nanodoctor, who asks for his nanoscalpel. Jerry bursts in with a gun.
Quotable Quote: Jerry “I’m a good person, and I demand you cut off my penis and put it in that man’s chest.”
On TV is “Octopus Man,” a show about a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus. He ends up killing a few bystanders. When Summer questions the juvenile violence in every dimension, Morty goes off on her.
Beth arrives in the waiting room and tells the family it’s time to go home. Summer inquires about Jerry, and Breaking News shows up on TV, showing the human known as Jerry Smith holding Shrimply Pibbles hostage. Rick assumes it’s an alternate reality, as hospital security rushes past.
In the OR, security has weapons drawn on Jerry as Summer and Beth run in to ask what he’s doing. Jerry keeps repeating, “I’m a good person,” as Beth points out he’s not holding a real gun. It’s an XP20XS, and when Jerry pulls the trigger, it acts like a vibrator.
Jerry turns to face his wife, daughter, and security, and defiantly drops his pants. Yelling “I’m a good person,” he runs toward Shrimply. He’s shot multiple times. Rick and Morty scream in horror watching on TV, as Summer and Beth scream in horror watching the scene unfold in person.
A bullethole-ridden Jerry falls into a pool of his own blood, as Summer and Beth stand over him, still screaming.
Fade to black…
Jerry wakes up to a commercial for Butthole Ice Cream Parlor, where all flavors of ice cream are served from buttholes just like at home.
When the family notices he’s awake, he asks if it was a dream. Beth explains he was shot 57 times, but thankfully he’s in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was like getting a splinter removed.
All Jerry wanted was for everyone to like him.
Quotable Quote: Beth “Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them ‘it takes one to know one,’ and stayed up all night hitting refresh on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?”
Jerry remembers it differently, but it’s like that. You can’t make people like you. Jerry realizes he shouldn’t be motivated about other people’s opinion of him. Rick wants to go home, but Jerry says he’s going to the zoo with his family. They instantly turn on him.
In the post-credits scene, Jerry sifts through a cabinet of strange foods and picks out a box of Eyeholes to eat. As soon as he takes a bite, the Eyehole Man jumps through the window, straddles his neck, and begins punching him.
As Morty and Summer try to get Eyehole Man off Jerry, Rick angrily puts the box back in the cupboard and explains that was his food.
Brian Penny is a former business analyst and operations manager at Bank of America turned whistleblower, troll, and freelance writer. His work has appeared on Huffington Post, High Times, The Street, Hardcore Droid, and Fast Company.