Confessions of the Well-Endowed

I have beautiful blue eyes; People have said it to me my entire life. I tend to believe it because I grew up before the internet’s widespread adoption, so, most of the time, people were looking me directly in the eyes as they said it. Other than that, I don’t have huge biceps or bank accounts, and my personality is an acquired taste.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not down about it – I love who I am, and I’m quite comfortable in my skin. I always envied women though…

Women are lucky – when they have large breasts, they can show them off in a tight sweater or low-cut shirt. I’ve always envied them, because I have to hide my most appealing sexual feature…especially in public. My problem is that I have a rather lengthy penis, which doesn’t sound like it’d be a problem – but that in itself is a life-altering problem I’ve faced throughout my entire existence.

I Can’t Brag About It

I can’t tell people I have a large penis, and that’s annoying. I get that people have worse problems than mine, even among the white American male middle class. The economy is in the toilet, and nobody’s doing anything about it. Trust me, I get it. There’s not a mortgage or insurance regulator I haven’t personally explained it to, but that doesn’t give me any comfort – in fact it has the exact opposite effect.

When I blew the whistle on the banks, nobody believed me. The issue was too complicated – nobody could wrap their head around issues as complicated as the paperwork they signed when purchasing their home and our own mortgage/insurance bills. I would’ve been devastated had I not spent my childhood seeing a look of contempt and disbelief as I described the size of my swollen member to friends, family, classmates, and girls I was attracted to.

Even in writing this post, I understand that my best-case scenario is that nobody reads it or cares. Otherwise the comments will be filled with people refuting my claims. The internet is a “pics or it didn’t happen” culture, and people tend to frown upon a grown man posting dick pics on the internet, which brings me to my next point…


I Can’t Show It Off

At least my intelligence was recognized through testing in school. My wit becomes apparent if you pay attention to my words. Unfortunately societal standards don’t allow for Lil Penny to peak his head out and experience the world every so often. My skin flute is required to remain holstered at all times while in public. I can’t get away with using a close-up of my banana in a hammock for a profile pic on Twitter and Facebook. Nobody wants to see that.

So how is it fair that everyone else is allowed to use all of their great qualities as a total package in order to get laid, but my most valuable asset is a variable that can’t be determined until a woman has already made her decision? Simply put, I can’t get use my package to attract a woman in the same way a woman can use her goods to attract a man.

The Curse of Undercompensation

I understand that feeling pity for the man with the large penis isn’t going to be very high on a lot of people’s priority list this holiday season. I’m sure everyone’s going to be too busy worrying about their friends, family, and important events like Snowden’s NSA leaks, Syria, your fantasy football league, and all that.

I guess I’m just asking that at some point during your busy day-to-day life, you stop thinking the world revolves around you for just one moment and think about someone else for a change…

Think about how unfair it is that I have to undercompensate for King Dong – I’ve never known what it’s like to own a large vehicle or wear a lot of flashy accessories.

Women always moan when I’m inside of them – I can tell they’re not used to having something so large occupy their entrances, and I can’t help but feel a little guilty as I thrust as deeply as the laws of physics will allow. If I’m being honest with myself, it can somewhat kill the mood the one percent of the time I’m not getting off on it.

I’m sure this post feels like an overshare to some of you, and I can assure you that I went to great lengths not to reveal as much as I wanted to about the girth of the situation. I’m a complicated individual with an abundance of life experience. You don’t know everything about me…but you just got 9 inches closer…

Brian Penny feet on wood floorBrian Penny is a former Business Analyst at Bank of America turned whistleblower, freelance consultant, and troll. He’s a frequent contributor to The Street, Cannabis Now, and Fast Company, Huffington PostMainstreetLifehack, and HardcoreDroid.


Dr. Brian Penny is a former Business Analyst and Operations Manager at Bank of America turned whistleblower, troll, and freelance writer. You can find his work in Cracked, High Times, HuffPost, Lifewire, Forbes, Fast Company, and dozens of other places, although much of it is no longer under his name. Dr. Penny loves annoying fake media.

One thought on “Confessions of the Well-Endowed

  • April 26 at 3:43 pm

    If your dong is so big that you need to write about, then you should do porn. Maybe you have a Peyronie’s and your schlong is so bent your can pork-sword fight around a tree.
    My hog is thick, straight and seven.. but, I am not writing about it.


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