How to Get Rid of an Annoying Neighbor

So I spent the past 2 months dealing with a little bit of drama. I’m sharing here so you know there’s always a better way to handle things, a lesson I’m always trying to teach this cat.

When I first moved into my apartment complex last year, everyone was really nice except one crotchety old man named Allen, who lived in one of the apartments below me.

He mostly kept to himself, but he’d occasionally drive down to one of the local halfway houses to offer a clean shower and hot meal. I was outside a couple of times when he was outside smoking with these people and asking them to buy him meth.

I figured he’s just an old man, and I’d probably be inclined to smoke meth if I knew I already had a foot in the grave too. It seemed harmless enough, and if you know homeless meth addicts, you know they do a lot of chores, including roaming around outside picking up cigarette butts so they can mesh them together in a frankencig.

For the entirety of 2018, he had at least one other person staying with him from this halfway house. The last person was a woman named Amanda.

Amanda flipping off my security camera.

Amanda was going through criminal court for drug charges tied to methamphetamine. She has two kids, and the court took them away from her. She was in the process of divorcing her husband. She was looking for a minimum wage job at McDonald’s so she could get on her feet and get her kids back.

I, along with all our neighbors, know all this because she would tell anyone who listened. Also her husband showed up a few times so they could get into fights, where she’d scream “take all the glass (meth, for those not savvy) you gave me!” while throwing vials at him.

She was a complete, self-proclaimed shit show, recovering drug addict, and full of drama. Nobody wanted to be around her, and she was making everyone in the complex uncomfortable with her constant talk about criminal behavior and sad-sack stories.

But Amanda wasn’t the only reason Allen needed to be removed. The straw that broke the camel’s back involved the roommate from hell.

The Roommate from Hell

Fast forward to this past April 20th, when a friend of mine in his mid 30s named Tony needed to get out of his parents’ house. I knew he had some emotional and mental issues, but I decided to help him out and offered to let him stay at my house for a month or two.

This deadbeat dad and drug addict wins 2018’s Most Pathetic Person award

He threw up red flags before even coming – he was originally coming the beginning of March and delayed incrementally until the end of April. Tony’s also a drug addict and deadbeat dad who’s over three years behind on child support. He purposely doesn’t get a job so he doesn’t have to pay for his kid.

It wasn’t a good first impression knowing he was already dodgy about finances. I knew I couldn’t trust him to pay bills with any consistency and that I’d have to feed him, clothe him, and baby him because he’s incapable of caring for himself.

I have my bills paid a month or two ahead each and earn a steady income, so I wasn’t terribly worried about the financial impact. My focus was on ensuring he had everything he needed to feel comfortable and secure.

When he got here, he was in a positive mood. Fresh off the road, he was actually grateful for the assistance for the first few days. I helped him unload his truck and set things up in my living room, gave him a tour of the complex, etc.

He quickly started ruining everything, however. He kept talking about the Internet schemes and scams he’d pull to make money. He was already making excuses about not having money, and I was already feeling a bit uneasy about having him stay.

On top of this, he wore his shoes all over my apartment (even in the bathroom, despite my many reminders that he’s tracking dirt everywhere). He ate all the food in the fridge and never replaced anything. It was just general bad roommate stuff, but nothing major.

Where it started to be a problem was when he decided to start dating Amanda. That’s when his true colors started to show.

He would tell me he’s going somewhere then I’d go on my balcony, look down and see him talking to her. I didn’t understand the need to lie – just tell me you’re dating her – so I asked.

He bragged about how he’s just trying to get laid and playing games with her. The neighbor above Allen laughed because he told her he didn’t want kids after she said she didn’t. Then she overheard him telling Amanda he wanted two kids because she had two.

She thought it was funny he was so desperate to get laid by a recovering meth addict who would’ve slept with literally anyone. She soon discovered how pathetic Tony actually is when I told her the reality is he already has a son he walked out on and doesn’t even pay court-ordered child support for.

His lies continued to compound, and Tony thought he was being slick. He assumed he could just lie his way through anything, but it was obvious to everyone his words didn’t match his actions.

At one point Tony and Amanda got wasted on mushrooms, meth, and alcohol (something Tony typically refused to touch because his dad is, in his words, a deadbeat alcoholic). They ran naked around the apartment complex screaming profanities at each other. Neither had a lease and was just couchsurfing, so nobody knew where they lived.

Already not wanting to be in any way associated with Amanda, I planned on telling Tony not to bring her anywhere near my apartment. He’s an adult, and I don’t mean to babysit an adult, but their antics were putting my lease at risk, and I didn’t want to be associated with it.

He anticipated this and when I first woke up and was collecting my thoughts over a cup of coffee and a cigarette, he sat down next to me and said he owed me an apology.

Not wanting to be presumptuous, I asked what for, and he responded that he felt bad about going crazy with Amanda. He said she’s a complete shit show and was done with her. And I shit you not, as soon as the words came out of his mouth, his phone rang, he answered, and I could hear her on the other end.

As I got up to go inside, he was already downstairs at her door, ready to hang out. This idiot couldn’t even keep his word until the end of a sentence.

That night, I woke up at 2am and went to go smoke a cigarette to find a burning meth pipe and Tony and Amanda naked in my living room. They had stolen two bottles of expensive whiskey from my collection.

I told her to get the fuck out of my house and told him to find another place to stay. By this point, he had only been there for 30 days. It was the end of May.

Unnecessarily Escalating the Situation

Tony was cold the next week, and I told him he had until June 1 to leave. He asked for help loading his truck, and I told him that’s fine. On June 1, he and Amanda came to move all of his stuff downstairs into Allen’s apartment.

I didn’t care about him again trying to pull a scheme and hanging out at the bottom of my stairs. At least he wasn’t in my apartment. I was happy to let the three of them stay in that one-bedroom apartment and self-destruct.

But Tony wasn’t finished proving his point. He wanted to show me he could do whatever he wanted. One night at around 2am, he and Amanda were outside having sex on Allen’s patio. I said “you’ve gotta be kidding.”

Tony immediately lashed out with “shut the fuck up, Brian,” and before he even finished saying my name, I interjected “no, you shut the fuck up, you homeless, drug addict bitch. I have a lease here, and you don’t, so you can eat a dick. I’m calling the cops.”

At this point, Tony, still naked, ran up the stairs and attempted to break into my apartment to “kick my ass” while I was on the phone with 911 reporting him. I openly laughed at his weakness in not even being able to succeed at being a criminal as he angrily walked away to get his clothes on.

Amanda, knowing her ability to regain custody of her kids depended on the cops not running her license through their database urged Tony to leave, and they drove off.

They weren’t arrested that night. It was one person’s word vs another, and Tony lives to scam people. Knowing these people were going to continue playing games, I forwarded the police report to the apartment office manager.

Allen and Tony hanging out on the patio two weeks prior to being evicted

I explained the entire situation and that the three people living in Allen’s one-bedroom apartment violated city fire codes and the lease. They agreed and issued Allen a 10-day notice for them to leave. After that, they’re considered trespassers, and he’ll be given a 10-day eviction notice for keeping them there.

Obviously from the beginning of the blog, you already know they didn’t leave within 10 days. And both Allen’s upstairs neighbor and I were already savvy to their scams.

Aftermath of the 10-Day Notice

For the next 10 days, I focused on meditation and keeping my cool. I knew Tony was going to try to escalate the situation, and I also knew he was going to try and find some schemey way to (in his tiny brain) subvert the apartment’s 10-day notice and continue living at the bottom of my stairs.

Tony is a very short man with a much smaller penis than mine, so he had a chip on his shoulder. Being a white American straight male, he also has a misplaced sense of entitlement. Tony wanted to prove he had more right to be at my home than I do, and I was happy to disprove his childish stalker theory.

Two days after Allen signed the 10-day notice, I went to talk to him man-to-man, face-to-face. I told him his unauthorized guests are causing problems, and reminded him if he doesn’t get rid of them, he’s going to lose his home.

Instead of being neighborly, Allen took this statement of facts and reality as a challenge. He, Amanda, and Tony made sure they were sitting on his patio every day and night. On the 10th day, they made a big production of moving their belongings into storage so they’re “moved out.”

On the 11th day (a Saturday), I went outside in front of Allen and loudly installed a security camera on my balcony pointing so that nobody could get in or out of his apartment without it being on tape.

I have several articles online about security, like this one on HuffPost. I also have several cameras left from my reviews of the best security cameras of 2017. Because of the height and distance, along with my needs, I chose to use the Ring Doorbell Cam 2.

I drilled holes into one of my flower pots and armed the motion sensor to ensure I didn’t miss anything.

Sure enough, Tony and Amanda showed up that night. I sent the video clip to the apartment manager. Allen’s upstairs neighbor also emailed them to let them know he was violating the notice and they were trespassing.

Tony and Amanda were talking about how they may get an apartment here, and Allen was talking about how he’s never leaving here unless they price him out. They all wanted to make the point on camera they weren’t going anywhere, which was fine by me. I kept my cool and stayed silent.

Sunday morning, I sent another clip of them. I sent another Sunday night, Monday morning, Monday night, Tuesday morning. On Tuesday afternoon around 2pm, I heard a loud, thunderous slam that echoed through my floors. I briefly went to my front door and opened it to look out and see what happened, but there was nothing.

Then Allen’s upstairs neighbor came over with a huge smile on her face. “Did your camera catch it? I think he got evicted.”

Two women from the office came while she was smoking on her balcony. They stopped in front of my security camera, looked at it, said “Nice!” and walked to Allen’s front door. Neither my camera nor the neighbor could hear what they were saying, but Allen’s responses echoed as he argued with them.

He pointed upwards, while yelling, “he’s crazy! You never do anything for me! This is BULLSHIT!!!” and slams the door on their faces. We select the file from the camera to watch it happen. Both women are standing at his door for a moment before sliding the notice inside. My neighbor is on her balcony listening intently, and I can even hear my door open and close from when I looked outside.

According to Arizona law, Allen then had 10 days from last Tuesday to vacate the premises. My neighbor was so elated, she baked me this celebration meth cake.

Devil’s food cake, cream cheese icing, and homemade meth candy…

Eviction Celebration

It took maybe two hours after his eviction for Allen to finally storm out of his apartment, look up at my balcony, and start screaming profanities and threatening me. He was sure it was my fault he chose as an adult, along with two other adults, to violate his contract with the apartment. I simply laughed him off and kept saying “dude, you know this camera is always on, right?

If you know anything about landlord/tenant law or contract law, I have nothing to do with their contract. Allen wasn’t evicted to appease me, but because he had a history of being a terrible neighbor. This complex prides itself for being family friendly and having a neighborhood watch. Allen simply didn’t fit the bill, and I do.

Sage legitimately kills bad juju. It’s called science – look it up.

Immediately upon his eviction being served, the neighbor and I went to work burning sage and calming the energy back in our apartments. The apartment office made it clear if Tony and Amanda ever returned, they would be trespassing. I was empowered to call the police if they even set foot on the property. We never heard from them again.

Allen actually went back to normal. We assumed he was trying every scheme he could think of to find a place to live. Ten days isn’t a lot of notice to find a place and move. But for me, the waiting was the hardest part, and as I kept sitting on my balcony waiting to see what he’d do in that 10 days, I played Tom Petty’s iconic song on repeat.

Simpsons fans know the scene where it plays while Homer is waiting for his gun. The 10 days felt like this.

I almost felt bad for him for letting himself get caught in the middle of all this until yesterday.

Yesterday, Allen’s daughter and three of the fattest men I ever saw  with the ugliest pedophile mustaches came to help Allen move. They were completely silent when moving, but as one of the fat guys drove by, he tried staring at me.

Fat guy in a little truck…

Apparently he grew a pair of balls while driving away on the other side of that fence that he didn’t have while inside the fence where I could reach him. So this fat, pathetic loser yelled “Fuck you!” at me like a scrub as he was driven away in this beat up Nissan pickup he barely fit in.

Ok, fat boy, game on.

I went inside, grabbed one of my louder bluetooth speakers, and armed myself with a moving out playlist. If you’re curious, here are the best songs to play for a bad neighbor being rightfully evicted:

The Bad Neighbor Moving Out Playlist

I played this playlist loud enough for them to hear both inside their apartment and in the parking lot while they finished moving. I was dancing and singing along the whole time. Here’s a clip if you need proof:

Steam – Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye

Ray Charles – Hit the Road Jack

NSync – Bye Bye Bye

Michael Jackson – Beat It

Tom Petty – Don’t Come Around Here No More

Tom Petty – I Won’t Back Down

Cee Lo – Fuck You

Big Sean ft E-40 – I Don’t Fuck With You

Gloria Estefan – Go Away

Finally, after I laughed for several minutes, Allen snapped, as I went inside. You’ll see in this clip, where he yells “Fuck you, you bastard!”

Like his fat friend and Tony, Allen wanted to yell and talk tough, but only while running away and hiding. I’m not even an intimidating guy. I certainly know how to handle myself, but I don’t look tough by any means. But these guys are all just pussies.

And that’s how Allen got evicted while I danced, sang, smiled, and enjoyed life. Many articles you read about how to get rid of an annoying neighbor mention to talk to the neighbor, landlord, and police, but none of them mention the most important thing.

When you talk to these people, the neighbor will hide and lie. The apartment office and police won’t see anything, so it’ll be a he said, she said situation.

But once I installed this security camera, it was over for Allen. I have two weeks worth of footage. It was enough to prove to the landlord’s legal team that eviction was both possible and necessary. I handed them proof they were violating the lease and that was the most important part.

If you ever need to get rid of an annoying neighbor, all you have to do is install a security camera.

I’d like to say Tony, Amanda, and Allen learned their lesson, but I know they still haven’t. It doesn’t matter to me, though, because they’ll go to jail if they ever set foot near my property again. This is why you don’t ever fuck with someone’s home.

Game over, bitches.


Brian Penny is a former Business Analyst and Operations Manager at Bank of America turned whistleblower, troll, and freelance writer.

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