Advice for Keeping Your Daughter off the Pole 10 signs you're raising a future sex worker...

I’m now an expert at dating strippers, and the best way to use that knowledge for the good of humanity is to describe the stripper I met who was stuck in a career she couldn’t get out of.

While there’s no hope for…let’s call her RuPaul because she looks more like a man than I do…I hope imparting this wisdom can help parents understand what signs to look for in their daughter’s future career as a pole dancer.

1. She’s Daddy’s Girl – Sex workers love making every man they meet feel like they’re the one and only. If your daughter is daddy’s little girl, you may be ushering her to a life on sex club stages.

2. She Has No Ambition – Career sex workers want a lot of material things. They want you to spend money on them. But they have no career ambitions of their own. If your daughter doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up, she’s probably going to show her tits for money.

3. She Sucks with Money – Sex workers can earn $10,000+ in one night just by showing up and looking sexy. Then they go out and spend it all living a drug-fueled party-girl life. If your daughter can’t budget, she’s going to end up riding the pole.

4. She Thinks She’s Smarter Than You – Sex workers think they’re smarter than everyone else because they figured out how to monetize sex. They think they can talk their way out of anything. If your daughter outsmarts you, she’s a secret sex worker already, and you just didn’t know.

5. She Plays Innocent – In my experience, you don’t last two decades as a career sex worker by telling everyone you’re a career sex worker. If your daughter were a sex worker, she would deny it to her death, even destroying anyone’s life who tries to help.

6. She Can’t Be Trusted – No matter what, you can’t put your finger on it, but it always feels like she’s not being honest with you. That’s because you’re raising a stripper.

7. She’s All Talk – You’ll hear her say she’s a pilot, but she’s never flown a plane. She’ll say she’s a nurse, but never went to school. She’ll say all sorts of things and make plans, but she’ll never follow through. That’s because she’s a sex worker.

8. She Deflects Everything – Sex workers want to talk about you, not them. No matter what you’re into, they want to nod along and pretend to care when they don’t. If you can’t get a straight answer out of your daughter, she’s getting a straight something in her hooha.

9. She Hates Men & Women – Sex workers don’t trust anybody. Men are just customers and women are competition. When you select a whore, you’re rejecting all the other whores, and those whores have bills to pay. If your daughter is a nihilist, she’s probably a sex worker.

10. She’s Intentionally Vague – My sex worker girlfriend was an “artist” but no real artist calls themselves that. They’ll say “designer” or “graphic designer,” even “photographer.” But only an uneducated stripper would think real artists use generic terms like that to describe themselves.

If you have a daughter displaying any of these ten signs, she’s a sex worker. Maybe not right now in front of your eyes, but she for sure knows how to get easy money for selling her body or empty fantasies.



Dr. Brian Penny is a former Business Analyst and Operations Manager at Bank of America turned whistleblower, troll, and freelance writer. You can find his work in Cracked, High Times, HuffPost, Lifewire, Forbes, Fast Company, and dozens of other places, although much of it is no longer under his name. Dr. Penny loves annoying fake media.

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